Bobby Heenan's Review of WWE 2K20

[tomwearsglasses]

Hey everyone.  I called Gene Okerlund's 1-900 hotline this morning, and he gave an address to a newsstand that was selling an advance copy of this month's WWF Magazine.  It's a good read if you're into retro content and curious about the game...

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Greetings humanoids!  Glad to have you back.  Not because I missed you (I didn’t), but because I get paid per article.  Today must be a big day for all of you. Because today WWE 2K20 dropped like an anvil on the Xbox One, PS4, PC, and judging by the graphics...probably the 3DO and Sega Saturn too.  And obviously, as you try to decide if you want to spend your $60-$120 life savings on it, the only smart thing you can do is get some insight from the Brain. As the host of Prime Time, I was gonna delegate this job to Gorilla, but he’s busy scarfing down bananas in catering.

This year, WWE, 2K, and Visual Concepts got dealt a bad hand with Yukes leaving.  I think it took a lot of guts for them to double down and release a game that they knew was broken without delay or warning and charge full price for it.  Let’s face it, this was a poor decision. And I know about poor decisions...I once signed a contract to manage the Brooklyn Brawler. I understand that a bunch of people bought the $120 Collector’s Edition and didn’t get the promised autograph from Edge, Kurt Angle, or Rey Mysterio.  Fear not EdgeHeads. If you mail the photo to 2K support, Baron Corbin will sign it and send it back to you.  Or for $150 you can upgrade to the Flawless Edition, which is a well polished empty box.

This year, that no-good Hulk Hogan is back in the game.  Ugh. Just seeing him head down the aisle with that 80’s WWF music, and that 90’s NWO walk, and that 2000’s WWE outfit...makes me wonder if he’s starting to lose it.  I’d love to say this was the year the Heenan Family finally took him out...but since they removed Mr. Perfect, Rick Rude, and Lex Luger, we’re a little light on staff.  I’ll bet Hogan petitioned 2K to pull Vader, Sid, Bam Bam, and the other threats out too. I don’t even know why I’m still here, except to get Flair and Andre out of the bar and into the arena.  Speaking of which, who needs classic arenas when we can walk around in a swamp, a cemetery, or a run-down high school gym? I guess this year’s theme is places where you can pick up the Rosatti Sisters.  There’s even a venue called Hell’s Colosseum, which I heard is also the nickname for 2K’s main office. They planned on putting in another SummerSlam, but Visual Concept’s special guest developer Mike Adamle accidentally labeled it WinterFest instead.  I guess Crown Jewel counts too, since it’s still the 90’s there.

On the bright side, the Women’s Evolution is finally getting its due.  In fact, Bianca Belair’s hair has evolved to the point where it doesn’t need gravity.  Ronda Rousey has evolved from MMA fighter to wrestler to ring rope rodeo rider.  And Charlotte has evolved beyond physical matter.  But you know what they say.  Evolution is a mystery.

If that’s not weird enough for you, here's the DLC lineup for the year: Bump in the Night, Wasteland Wanderers, Okerlund’s In-Laws, and the Empire of Who Cares?  I don’t know which models are scarier, the DLC or the people in story mode.  And why are people complaining about this year’s model for The Rock?  I think it’s a great representation of a sedimentary rock.  Now if they were trying to make the movie-star-son-of-Rocky-Johnson, I’d say they missed the mark.  But hey, it’s great to see Molly Holly make it in.  I hope they release her personality in 2K21.  And is it just me, or does it look like the New Day arena threw up on Jeff Hardy?

Now, let’s talk about the gameplay.  The developers realized you ham ‘n eggers couldn’t be trusted to play the game the way it’s been for years, so they’ve made a lot of ‘simplifications’.  That means they dumbed it down, dummy. They changed the controls, and it seems like you can’t access a lot of basic features when playing online, or do as much as expected with creation tools.  Create-a-Championship is the most simplified. You simply select a championship that’s already in the game and BAM!  It’s created. Supposedly they’re gonna patch that in later. They could save a lot of time and money if they just patch up my eyes and ears instead.

My favorite feature I found is that sometimes selecting a menu item enables immediate access to the desktop by way of crashing.  Seems like a humane alternative to letting the game play out.

For all you humanoids whining that instead of loading up the game with Papa Shango’s nightmares - they should’ve been adding more match types, better gameplay, create-a-story, GM mode, and other long overdue improvements...I think you’re way off base.  Seeing what they’ve done with all the existing modes, why would you possibly want more?

Besides, 2K games can always rely on creators to pick up the slack and add to the fun!  Except the creation tools are glitchy.  At least on the PC 2K games can always rely on the kindness of strangers in the modding community!  Except this year the developers had the half baked idea of combining all the data into big baked files. I put Jamison in charge of figuring that out.  Knowing how smart he is, we should be back in business just in time for WWE 2K37.

Anyways, Okerlund needs to use the typewriter so let’s get to the point.  The fact is, I’ve played a lot of these games and I can safely say that this is the second greatest wrestling game of all time.  What’s number one, you ask? All the rest are tied.

[IamPayne]

I loved it.  Not the game (not even going to bother), but the "Bobby Heenan" review.  Reading it in his voice puts the icing on the cake.  Great job, more than could be said for 2K.

[tomwearsglasses]

20 hours ago, IamPayne said:

I loved it.  Not the game (not even going to bother), but the "Bobby Heenan" review.  Reading it in his voice puts the icing on the cake.  Great job, more than could be said for 2K.

Thanks!  I gotta try to get $90 worth of enjoyment out of this game, one way or another.

[code44]

That is the best review of a game I've ever read 😂