I dont know. Down, feel isolated

[Chillalex]

This is going to be a long post. I've nothing else to do so I'm doing this. I would talk to someone about this all but as you'll see thats the issue.

I'm still with my ladyfriend and thats all fine. But things are coming up. i dont know, im finding it harder than id anticipated, this being my longest/most serious relationship so far.

I always thought I'd care about her more. That sounds horrible, but theres times when I'm glad shes gone. Living with each other so early on... its as hard as id first thought. Sometimes it feels like theres no room to breathe, and shamefully I was even glad for the time on my own when summer came round.

For a week, then, i felt nothing. No loneliness, I didnt miss her, nothing. I dont know if this is normal. But similarly, when I'm with her... its weird. I can both see a future, and not, at the same time. One part of me can visualise a future with her all settled down, and that seems like the most natural thing. But then its like, a realist part of me, thinks, its doubtful. This worries me.

Now I'm confused. I do love the girl - its not a phrase I throw around lightly - but that this is happening is weird.

Id like to speak to her about it but theres no way I can without hurting her, ever so slightly, and thats the last thing I want to do.

And then theres the feeling of growing isolation. It was highlighted a month or so ago. She had a late period which almost didnt happen, and being told she hadn't started yet was crushing, selfish to say. At that moment I didn't know what to say or what to do, but I tried keeping up appearances and told her it would be fine, no matter what. I lied - I was bricking it but I didnt want her to feel alone. But in doing so, I felt so alone. Thats a very emo thing to say, but still. It was just us two at home then, everyone had left for home, no one to talk to. I sat on my own for a bit in the dark contemplating things in silence. I didn't know what to do then and I don't know what to do now, and I felt the most alone I have ever felt in the world. There was no one for me to fall back on, not right then. What I needed to do was go out, talk to a friend, see what they thought, but there was no one. I then find out my oldest uni friend has dropped out for good, never coming back, and my second closest friend and admittedly, an idol, is leaving too. All in the space of a week.

And there is no one. Because this is where it gets tangled a slight bit, causing what would normally be... normal to be slightly complicated.

My best friend is - well, for definite, was, as I'm not sure if he still is - interested in her. They'd kissed a few times before she got together with me, and thats a whole different story. But I'm reluctant to go to my own best friend for advice and help when my relationship gets hard or theres things I just can't do on my own in terms of this. I dont trust him enough to be impartial, I really dont. I dont know, I think im being paranoid, but still... ive sort of learnt not to trust many people (lols tone colds.)

So thats partly what this post is about. I cant speak to any one else. So im writing on a message board. I feel like, at the moment, the weight is all on my shoulders. Maybe thats normal. I dont know.

She thinks things are great between us. Mostly they are but theres these small things I just want to fucking bring up but I cant, for fear of being selfish or hurting her. And I feel again like I cant breathe. She gets so upset when I mention some things - and before its not been as serious, or defined, as what I feel now (uncertainty) that I dread to think. So I keep queit, and I cant even confide in my friends.

I've felt like this for as long as we've been together - uncertain. Is it shitty - i think it is - that for the first two months I spent wondering if I really liked her, now I'd got her? That was horrible. It's passed, but still.

And a final thing, its been bugging me for as long as we've been together as well. When we first did, I was talking to my best friend in the world ever about sex. Well, he bought it up and I just sort of sheepishly went along queitly. I explained how we hadnt yet as we were waiting - my decision, im not a pussy - and then he said something that haunts me to this day. "Theres a two month wait on that one". I joked it off but it gets me to this day. How does he know that? I know they didnt go further than kissing, but still, it makes my blood boil almost. I dont know why. I want to ask her why he knows but im so shit scared of the answer, I dont know. But for months its haunted me, I think I just have to ask. Opinions on if I should or shouldn't? I know it should make me feel better too, as at worst, it means she denied him and waited, and gave up to me, but still. At best, it was a friendly conversation between them both, but I doubt that.

But why would he say it, as he knew I was with her and if it was through being denied, I'd blatantly be hurt by what he said.

Oh fuck I dont know. I really dont.

Give me your opinions, whatever, tell me its normal, tell me I'm a shit person, I dont so much mind. I'm a bit better now I've at least told someone faceless.

[Big Bizang]

He probably means a two month waiting time in general, that seems to most logical and decent thing to me.

I know what you mean about all that shit. I've spent a lot of time wondering if I should be with my girlfriend and when I stopped she started and we almost broke up in June. It was a phase and she apologised and all that shit but I also want to bring it up again when we argue and I know I shouldn't. It's crap having something on your mind that you're too sensible to vocalise.

I'm sure it's all entirely normal.

[Chillalex]

thanks for reading bro

your explanation sounds... sound. You pretty much just stopped me from asking her, because I reckon thats what he meant.

As for the other things, I think its best to just tell her how I feel. Obviously not the doubt thing, but the fact I feel like theres noone to talk to about things, but treading carefully around the whole one-in-the-oven thing, because I obviously still want her to feel someones there for her.

Thanks again bro

[Joe =/]

Alex, you're a shit person, and I have a face. >:

I know exactly how you feel about not being able to trust people you know on issues like that, so much fucking hurt comes from people spreading around your business and it almost always get back to the person you don't want it to.

that for the first two months I spent wondering if I really liked her, now I'd got her?

You were missing the thrill of the chase yo. I guess you just have to think about what you really liked about her when you first met, but obviously you already got over that phase like you said.

Living with someone so soon is always going to be shitty after a while, it's not nice being with someone ALL the time, it's nice to just chill out on your own sometimes. It's bad enough when a mate comes round and you don't quite know how to tell him you've had a fuckin nuff' of them and want them to get the hell out of your house. I dunno how you're suppose to resolve that, try force her into getting some kind of hobby, to get her out the house, lol.

About the whole thinking she was pregnant thing, it's not really selfish feeling that way, fact is i bet she did too. Noone wants to find out their girlfriend has accidently got pregnant when you're that young, that's like one of the worse bits of news you can hear, simply because it's life changing, and when you're young finding out your bird is pregnant is not exactly changing your life for the better is it.

What you said about the "that's a 2 month wait" comment, that would fucking bug the hell out of me too, but i think bizang is right about him saying it in general. It's not the first time i've heared it said like that.

All in all i'd say most of the shit you've been feeling is normal for alot of people, if i was in your position i'd have the same views on almost everything you said and would feel the same doubts and emotions too.

[bigpoppn]

It's rather normal to like some time alone or with friends, without her.But be with her and make it romantic and you'll feel better.I guess.Do it or ignore.

[Chillalex]

Id do that but as we live together I cant make all the time special and so on.

Cheers joe for clearing all that up as well, alot of what you said helped quite alot.

I really needed to say something, to someone, and felt I didnt have anyone I could actually phone up or go for a drink with, so alas the internet came.

[Fozy]

man don't worry, all relationships are the same, i know i've felt like that quite a few times. the best part about a relationship, as joe said, is the chase. after finally bagging the girl, the whole thing wears off. you love her, you know you do, its just that you need to realise this.

if you lose her, you'll be crushed, no matter how it ends, you'll realise it's the complete opposite of what you wanted. you'll be getting fed up of her, and that's understandable, she'll be feeling the same undoubtedly, or atleast has at one point. it's just about overcoming these things - thats what love is all about.

dont worry about what your mate said, he's not being serious.

[bigpoppn]

OR you can say this to her and just talk about it.

[Fozy]

not always the best thing telling the girl you're living with that you dont wanna see her as much lol..